I am going to do something different here, and rather than writing about the earliest warning signs that abuse will likely be oncoming in a relationship, I’ll write about the warning signs that you are already in an abusive relationship. I will offer you—what I have learned through talking to many, many victims of abuse over-the-years—are internal warning signs that you are being abused.
I hope this article has helped you know whether or not what you are experiencing in your relationship is abuse. Contact me today if I might be of help to you. Know that Healthy love feels good. It does not hurt.
Description: This video is about, What to do if you suspect you’re being abused. It is Dr. Stephanie Lang’s Top Tip #4 – To the best of your ability, stop doing whatever negative behavior it is, that you do, that you use to rationalize your partner’s bad behavior.
Transcript: #4: Stop whatever negative behavior it is that you’re doing that you later on, use to rationalize away and forgive your partner’s abusive behavior.
I had a client who would always rationalize away the abusive arguments later on by saying, “Well I, I was abusive too. You know, I did it back to him. Yeah, he screamed at me, and he called me an f-in this, and an f-in…blah, blah, blah, you know but. But I said this back to him…”. And she would say something attacking. She would later feel bad and say, “Well, you know, I can’t be mad at him. I can’t really come down on him, because, I did it too.” I told her, she’s gotta stop doing her side, her role—the thing that she feels bad or guilty about. Whether or not it influences his behavior, she needs to stop doing the things that she later on feels bad about herself for. So she gave it a try. And the next time they had an argument, she didn’t attack back.
She listened and watched, and what she found was that it didn’t matter. He still went on and attacked, and attacked, and attacked her. It didn’t matter that she didn’t say anything back. And so, what happens is, when you stop doing the behaviors that you think cause the abuse, what you’re going to find is that, the person is abusive anyway. It doesn’t matter what you did. When you stop doing it, you see that they are who they are. And they’re going to act that way, regardless. And so, you’re able then to see the person more for who, he or she is – your partner, without your, your role, what you think your “role” in it is.
Now, let’s see, other ways that women think that they have a role in it besides arguing back, or being abusive, and being attacking back – that’s very common. Another one is drinking too much. Often women, sort of lay on heavy on the alcohol when they’re being abused. And then, their partners abuse them over their drinking too much. And then they feel bad because they did drink too much. And maybe if they hadn’t drank. Then they stay in the relationship and keep getting abused. So whatever are your negative behaviors, that you use to rationalize away your partner’s abusive behaviors, I want you to stop those behaviors – even if for just for a day or two. I want you to gain control over your own behaviors, and stop them, to see what happens. I want you to be able to observe your partner’s behavior, outside of any influence from you. That way you can see, who this person is, who they’re going to be, outside of what it is that you did, that you think caused the behavior.
Description: This video is about, What you CAN do if you suspect you’re being abused. It is Dr. Stephanie Lang’s Top Tip #5: Start reading and learning all you can about abuse, all forms of abuse, from a variety of sources.
Transcript: Number five is I want you to start reading and learning all that you can about abuse, all forms of abuse. Go to library, it’s a great resource, your local library. Go to the internet. Ask people. Because, the more people that you learn from about abuse, the more you’re going to realize that what the experts are saying, is true. You’re going to be more likely to believe it, because you’re going to start to see—from variety of different sources—people are saying the same things.
And when you have been in abuse, you’re very distrusting of what people are saying – and rightfully so, you should be – because, you have been being abused, and buying, buying into what’s been told to you, when it’s not true.
So, if you’re seeking help from a person like myself, you know, I know what’s happening in your head. You’re, you’re saying things like, you know, you’re distrusting of the motive of the person, “Are they really out to help me? Or is this Dr. Stephanie maybe just a feminist, and she hates men, and she wants to break up my relationship with my man”. Right? Well the more you hear from other experts besides me, the more you’re going to realize, and we’re going to be saying same things about the abuse in your relationship, and you’re going to realize, “This woman knows what she is talking about!” So, please, #5: Seek education from a wide variety of sources – as much as possible, about abuse.