The Confidence Paradox — Understand this and you’ll be more confident forever

Description: The secret to confidence. Dr. Stephanie Lang describes the paradox of confidence. As you understand it and act on it, you’ll find your self-confidence shooting through the roof.

 

 

Transcript: Hi. A very common question that I receive is, “Dr. Lang, how do I become more confident?” To answer it most directly. It is a huge paradox to life that in order to feel happy and confident and joyful, we have to feel like we’re growing. We have to feel like we’re growing spiritually, like we’re bettering ourselves in our behavior, in our mindset and so forth. Well growth, to grow, requires that we get uncomfortable. So we have to grow to be happy, but to grow means we’ve got to be unhappy! Or uncomfortable. It becomes less and less ‘unhappy’ the more you get used to it. It gets to more like an ‘uncomfortable’.

So, what do we do about this? Well, life is going to have, everybody has pain and uncomfortableness. And I believe that the more you push yourself toward the type of uncomfortableness that is growth producing – like pushing yourself to speak in public if that makes you really anxious, or go beyond in your creativity. Or go beyond what you have ever done before at work, so that you get nervous. When we do, when we focus on putting that kind of uncomfortable in our life, we’re going to have less of the other kind, the negative sorts of uncomfortable which are things like relationship break-ups, and car crashes, and just these – drama, lots of drama in our life. We’ll have less of it, and when it does happen, it’s not going to be a big deal to us, because we’re so focused on our passion and growing ourselves. Be like, maybe we have a little fender bender. “Oh well whatever,” you know, it is so minor. We don’t even spend any time thinking about it or even tell anyone about it, because we don’t care.

If we, if we aren’t pushing ourselves to grow, and get, have that kind of uncomfortableness, we will make little things into big deals and dramas and so forth, because we need to have conflict. We actually need to have uncomfortableness in our life in order to feel happy with our life!  We will get, we will get down and actually even go into depression if we don’t have enough conflict.

It is kind of like, it is just like movies, people who make movies. A movie has to have conflict right, in order for it to be interesting. If it is just happy, everybody’s just happy and going along, you get bored after a while. And then if you had to watch that, you would start to feel eeerugh, annoyed, and even down, down, down into depression, if you, as you uh, try to bury that feeling of annoyance. So hey, if movies need conflict in order to keep us interested and happy, so do our lives, our lives. You get it? We need conflict. So if we don’t create a positive conflict – which is growth, you know, if we don’t push ourselves to become uncomfortable to grow, we are going to bring in to our lives the negative conflict, the energy. Because our energy, yeah, we’ll want drama (i.e., conflict/uncomfortableness) in order to have interest.

So what I challenge you to do is, What, you know what it is, What are the things that you, actions you can take in your life that would make you nervous, but it’s just a little bit beyond your comfort zone? So you’re not—, you don’t want to push yourself so far. But you want to push yourself a little bit more each time. I am sure you know of the famous movie maker Steven Spielberg? Well he says that with each movie, he goes above and beyond, what he has ever done before. You know, whether it, it’s technique, whatever it is. He said he pushes himself so much that he gets really like, even feeling nauseous and anxious and so forth. And if he doesn’t have that feeling, he knows that he’s not doing a growth orientated, he’s not making himself grow like he wants to. I’ve heard actors say that unless a part causes them a little anxiety, they won’t take it. Good actors always want to grow, have each part help them to grow. And that’s, people who grow in their jobs are—, feel like they’re growing, feel like their jobs are growing them, emotionally, spiritually, behaviorally. Those are very happy, tend to be very happy, confident people.

So that’s what we need ultimately, that’s a core of what we need for confidence—is, self-growth. So what would give you self-growth? And not only self-growth, so if you’re listening to like audiobooks and things like, videos like this, you’re growing and that’s going to help your confidence. You also need the kind of growth where you get uncomfortable. And that’s a very different kind of uncomfortable than the kind of uncomfortable you might feel when, say you’re dating a guy and something’s not right. You can’t put your finger on it, but it’s this really uneasy feeling? That’s a different sort of uncomfortable feeling, than the kind you feel when you’re pushing yourself. For me to like give a talk in public, that kind of uncomfortable, I know deep down inside is going to be good for me to push through it. So it’s important to distinguish those, and be in touch with your inner voice and your feelings, to know the difference. (whispering) So apply this to your life. And have a great day.

 

 

 

Description: This video is about one important early, early form of abuse – pressuring. It explains why pressuring is negative in relationships. It also tells why – being a victim is abusive. That is, the giving in, to pressuring is actually encouraging a destructive behavior. Thus it is equally abusive. The giving in to pressuring is the covert, subtle, sneaky half of the same early warning sign: pressuring.

 

 

Transcript: [Intro] SeeThePink.com [Applause]

I’m going to tell you a bit of the beginning of the story of Sarah and Tyler. But first, how their relationship played out: is that they were married for more than 10 years. Tyler was a minister; Sarah, a minister’s wife. They had a child. And Tyler was very physically violent to Sarah, before she finally divorced him.

So, What happened in the very beginning of their relationship, if anything, that might have portended the physical violence to come?

Let’s go way, way back to when they first met. Sarah moved away from home for the first time, to attend college from her home in Georgia, all the way up North. She’s a Freshman at college. And she was there on a full academic scholarship. The type of scholarship she had, she was probably in the top 10% of intellect in this country. And so, she was a bit worried, would she – frankly, would she be able to meet someone who matched her on her level of intellect, as well as her faith – because she was deeply religious. So, when she met Tyler she was really impressed to find out, not only was he a graduate student, but his major was Ministry. So they were really impressed with each other.

This is early on in their dating. It’s late at night. Tyler is in his house, in his bed. Sarah is in her dorm room, about to get in bed, and they’re talking on the phone.

And Sarah says to me, the researcher, what was going on in her at the time: I remember wanting to hang up, but, not wanting to be the one who hung up. So I said to him, “Uh, Tyler, well, I guess I should get off the phone now. I ought to be getting ready for, for bed.”

Tyler: “Ah, Sarah, come on now. Just, stay on the phone with me, a little longer [Yawns, and stretches out.] Aaaaaah, hummm, I’m in bed. I’m about to go to sleep. I know—hey, you get ready and get in bed too, and let’s fall asleep together on the phone”.

Sarah says to Researcher: He actually wanted us to fall asleep on the phone talking, which reeeeallllly upset my roommate in case someone else wanted to call!

Looking back, I’m like, “That was just, weird. [Audience laughs.] But it was, I guess, it was so much, What do you call it? Togetherness! That he didn’t even want to get off the phone. I agreed to it. I wouldn’t do that now.”

So, Sarah said that when she and Tyler talked on phone, often she wanted the conversation to end, but he didn’t. So she pushed down her own sense of discomfort. She was even willing to accept dagger eyes, the dagger eyes, coming from her roommate, in order to avoid even risking, that her ending the phone call would cause Tyler any discomfort.

What you just saw here, was an example of pressuring, and the giving into pressuring, a subtle case of how it happens in the very beginning of a relationship.

Imagine a circle. I think of pressuring as the more, is the overt half of this early warning sign of violence. And the giving in to pressuring is like the subtle, covert, sneaky half, of this same early warning sign.

Pressuring is continuing to try to get your way, when someone has said “No” or when they’ve said they want to do something else, such as get off the phone. And pressuring is actually disrespecting a person. Because, when you respect someone, you believe they’re important. And pressuring is saying, “I, am not, caring, if you’re, uncomfortable with this. I want, to get, what, I, want!” So ask yourself, Would you pressure someone, whom you really value, respect, admire?

Now the giving into pressuring, Sarah said that her giving in to Tyler’s pressuring, wasn’t just about his pressuring her, or as they often say, “The perpetrator isolates the victim.” Or, “He made her, give him, her time.” She said it wasn’t like that at all. That she eagerly, wanted to spend her time with him. She chose to put herself under stress so that she could be with him until the very last minute.

Now, it’s difficult for many folks, including me sometimes, to wrap our minds around this idea that the tolerating of abusive behavior is just as destructive, as abusive, as the perpetrating, the overt half of that behavior. Here’s what I say to myself that helps me to keep this in mind and remember it.

Every time a person tolerates abuse, the “abuser” – dislikes himself a little bit more inside. Because he just got away with what he knows, deep down inside, is a destructive behavior. So he dislikes himself a little bit more.

What do people do when they dislike themselves a little bit more? Audience member: They are more violent. Exactly! They are more likely to repeat the behavior, and to escalate it. So Sarah has just hurt him, by tolerating his pressuring.

Because, when we really care for someone, we don’t tolerate destructive behavior from them. We hold them to a high standard of behavior. If Sarah, uh, this is what Sarah could have said to him, when he was pressuring her. She could have said something like, “Tyler, I know, you’re, a better man, than this. Please, keep, this behavior, out of (flirty voice) your repertoire of behaviors for getting what you want.”

And if he had continued that behavior, if he didn’t believe he was better than that, she would have walked away from the relationship. Because she knows that over time, he would lose respect for her, for tolerating his destructive behavior, and more for himself. And that their relationship would then spiral downward.

I have brought it into our consciousness more, that pressuring is abuse! It’s an early, early, abuse in an early, early, early form. It’s destructive to our relationships. And I think that we know that deep down inside, but many times, we don’t want to admit it to ourselves, or acknowledge it.

The giving-in to pressuring – they call it “enabling,” but it’s actually much more than that. It is – giving in, is actually encouraging the destructive behavior.

May we, stick to our guns, my prayer for us is that we stick to our guns when somebody is pressuring us! Because to do so, there’s a higher, higher reason for it, than simply ourselves – than simply Sarah’s, um, you know self-care of saying, “I want to get off the phone now, because I need to do my nightly chores, and get ready for bed”. And that higher reason is – truly caring about the other – about him.

[Applause] [Outro] SeeThePink.com

 

 

Description: In this video Dr. Stephanie Lang gives two powerful tips on how to overcome shyness and interact with other people with greater self-confidence

 

 

Transcript: Hi. The question today comes from David. And he asks, “How can I overcome my crippling shyness around people. Especially members of the appropriate sex?” I like that David – the appropriate sex –verses, meaning the sex that is right for me verses necessarily the opposite sex. So thank you for your question.

I have two points for you that I, I have a lot, a lot of tips that will help with shyness and confidence, but I am going to give you two primary ones to help you right now. Especially since your shyness is at a crippling level. The first is one word, “Toastmasters.” Now this is a club for people who, it is widely known as a club for people who want to improve their public speaking skills. But the truth is – what we call it on the inside – is, it’s AA for shy people. Toastmasters International is like, Alcoholics Anonymous is for Alcoholics, Toastmasters International are for people who are quite, or tend towards the introverted side. So when you go there, believe me, there’ll be lots of people at all different levels of “recovery”. At all different levels of – people who can barely speak, to expert speakers – you’re wondering, “Why in the world are they there?” But if you talk to them, you’ll find out that they started off, most of them would have started off crippling shy just like you. And you think, “How could that ever be?” Because they are so poised and so charismatic. And you’ll find over and over again – you ask, you ask around, it’s true – people start off very shy and they become very charismatic because of Toastmasters. So have the courage to go there, just show up. Try out a lot of different meetings because every meeting, just like AA, every meeting has its own personality and you want to find one that is the right one, the right fit for you. You may want to join more than one. So I highly recommend that. Do that and you’re going to see immediately as you join and get involved, your confidence is going to shoot through the roof. You are going to start seeing it right away.

My second point, it is mindset. What you want to do to increase your confidence is change the focus of your mindset from being self-focused, to being other focused. So what shyness is, I am sure you have heard, is “Iness”, it’s too much focus self. And so, when you start thinking about others and, “How can I make another people feel more comfortable and feel good?” and, “How can make this person’s day? How can I make them smile? Make them feel good about themselves?” Suddenly you’re, you’re reaching outward to help somebody, and the nerves don’t come nearly as easily. So, you know, in speaking of meeting a romantic dating partner, look for ways to complement the person. Look for ways to talk about what their interest are. Find out what her interests or his interests are.

So there you so, in two words: Toastmasters. Mindset. Being other focused.

Thanks for your question David.

 

 

Description: This video is about, What to do if you suspect you’re being abused. It is Dr. Stephanie Lang’s Top Tip #4 – To the best of your ability, stop doing whatever negative behavior it is, that you do, that you use to rationalize your partner’s bad behavior.

 

 

Transcript: #4: Stop whatever negative behavior it is that you’re doing that you later on, use to rationalize away and forgive your partner’s abusive behavior.

I had a client who would always rationalize away the abusive arguments later on by saying, “Well I, I was abusive too. You know, I did it back to him. Yeah, he screamed at me, and he called me an f-in this, and an f-in…blah, blah, blah, you know but. But I said this back to him…”. And she would say something attacking. She would later feel bad and say, “Well, you know, I can’t be mad at him. I can’t really come down on him, because, I did it too.” I told her, she’s gotta stop doing her side, her role—the thing that she feels bad or guilty about. Whether or not it influences his behavior, she needs to stop doing the things that she later on feels bad about herself for. So she gave it a try. And the next time they had an argument, she didn’t attack back.

She listened and watched, and what she found was that it didn’t matter. He still went on and attacked, and attacked, and attacked her. It didn’t matter that she didn’t say anything back. And so, what happens is, when you stop doing the behaviors that you think cause the abuse, what you’re going to find is that, the person is abusive anyway. It doesn’t matter what you did. When you stop doing it, you see that they are who they are. And they’re going to act that way, regardless. And so, you’re able then to see the person more for who, he or she is – your partner, without your, your role, what you think your “role” in it is.

Now, let’s see, other ways that women think that they have a role in it besides arguing back, or being abusive, and being attacking back – that’s very common. Another one is drinking too much. Often women, sort of lay on heavy on the alcohol when they’re being abused. And then, their partners abuse them over their drinking too much. And then they feel bad because they did drink too much. And maybe if they hadn’t drank. Then they stay in the relationship and keep getting abused. So whatever are your negative behaviors, that you use to rationalize away your partner’s abusive behaviors, I want you to stop those behaviors – even if for just for a day or two. I want you to gain control over your own behaviors, and stop them, to see what happens. I want you to be able to observe your partner’s behavior, outside of any influence from you. That way you can see, who this person is, who they’re going to be, outside of what it is that you did, that you think caused the behavior.

 

 

Description: This video is about, What you CAN do if you suspect you’re being abused. It is Dr. Stephanie Lang’s Top Tip #5: Start reading and learning all you can about abuse, all forms of abuse, from a variety of sources.

 

 

Transcript: Number five is I want you to start reading and learning all that you can about abuse, all forms of abuse. Go to library, it’s a great resource, your local library. Go to the internet. Ask people. Because, the more people that you learn from about abuse, the more you’re going to realize that what the experts are saying, is true. You’re going to be more likely to believe it, because you’re going to start to see—from variety of different sources—people are saying the same things.

And when you have been in abuse, you’re very distrusting of what people are saying – and rightfully so, you should be – because, you have been being abused, and buying, buying into what’s been told to you, when it’s not true.

So, if you’re seeking help from a person like myself, you know, I know what’s happening in your head. You’re, you’re saying things like, you know, you’re distrusting of the motive of the person, “Are they really out to help me? Or is this Dr. Stephanie maybe just a feminist, and she hates men, and she wants to break up my relationship with my man”. Right? Well the more you hear from other experts besides me, the more you’re going to realize, and we’re going to be saying same things about the abuse in your relationship, and you’re going to realize, “This woman knows what she is talking about!” So, please, #5: Seek education from a wide variety of sources – as much as possible, about abuse.

 

Description: In this video Dr. Stephanie Lang gives a powerful tip on how to best choose a Life Coach for you.

Transcript: Hi there. I’m going to tell you, the #1 way, to be sure, that you choose the right life coach for you. And that is – that on first impression, you really, really, like this person.
Research shows, that your first impression of a person, and the first time that you meet – you know that initial consult, where you talk back and forth and get to know each other – that your instinct about that person, is very telling. It predicts, better than anything else, how your next sessions will go – your next few sessions. And then that predicts how your sessions will go, weeks down the road, and months, and months down the road. And so ultimately, the entire outcome of your coaching. The best predictor of it is, Do you really like the person? And you feel that right off the bat.

So if you feel that about me, that it’s a possibility, email, call me, tweet me on Twitter, whichever is your preferred method of contact. And we’ll get to know each other.

And listen. I’m going to tell you something. I only take on clients who I believe that I can really, really help. So when we talk, I’ll be evaluating for that. And so, then if we decide that we’re a good fit, we will be a great match. If we decide we’re not a match, hey, I think that our consult will have been a great learning experience for both of us, and will be fun and enjoyable. So contact me. I look forward to talking with you. Bye, bye.